Some Days It Feels Like I Have One Foot In The Grave… - July 6, 2019
Well, its been almost two weeks since I broke my collarbone and banged my head when I fell off my bicycle. And some days it feels like I have one foot in the grave… Laur is now my chauffeur, chef, and personal trainer (he has to set up my spin bike at Good Life). This in addition to already being the dishwasher, cleaner and proof-reader. And we seniors DO NOT LIKE CHANGE!
What follows are five short recaps of some of our incidents of crabbiness. Our irritability lasts longer than what I have described, and there have been more that five incidents. But I’m pretty forgetful. What is that quote? “The secret to a happy marriage is a good sense of humour and a short memory.”
1. Foam
We were low on dishwater detergent. A day or so before my accident I picked up some. The store was out of our usual kind so I picked up a bottle from the space beside it. Brought it home to Laur. And the day after my accident, he poured it into our dishwasher – and we went for our after-supper stroll.
We came back to a kitchen floor completed covered with soapsuds. Turns out I had bought dishwashing – not dishwasher – soap. And Laur had trusted my judgement which never works out very well. I parked myself - with my broken wing and foggy brain - on the couch and surfed the internet looking for a solution while Laur tried to smother the bubbles with bath towels, and drain the dishwasher. It was the only help I could offer.
He ended up handwashing all the dishes and I found online a quick fix for our dishwasher - run a solution of salt and vinegar through one cycle. Our kitchen floor has never been cleaner and I did not need to add any laundry soap when I washed the towels.
Note that I bought the dishwasher detergent before my accident – which shows that I don’t need a recent bang to my head to make bad choices.
2. Tome (means big book)
Having a fractured clavicle means no Body Pump or Yoga or much of anything at GoodLife. OK, I decided I would make lemonade out of these lemons and use my mornings for other things. I am applying to be a Licensed Community Chaplain in the Mennonite Church of Eastern Canada. And oh my glory! I get to read such exciting books as “A Mennonite Polity for Ministerial Leadership: A Statement by the Joint Committee on Ministerial Leadership.” And I get to write “Jan’s Very Long Epistle to the Mennonites in Kitchener.” This is to show that I have good enough personal qualities and a Mennonite understanding of Christian theology. It’s worth a shot, but… (Oops! Mennos aren’t fond of guns.)
Another part is that I have to enter all my resume information into an online spread sheet. Entering my volunteer history for the past few years took me close to an hour. And that was only one of about 10 sections. What I didn’t realize – because I don’t read instructions – is that that you have to save every line entry and then update every page before you move to another. Guess who lost about close to three hours of inputting?!
I could have sworn a blue streak but a) I can’t stand swearing and b) given that I’m applying to the Mennonite Church for licensing, this might not be the best time to take up profanity . I came up with the cuss “For Frankenstein’s Sugarplum!” My mom-in-law Gabe – having five boys to raise and being a minister’s wife - would say “beast dog horse pig cow elephant monkey ox!!!!" Laur says when she was really ticked, she would simply spit out "BEAST!!" By the time the youngest Cal was old enough to mimic her, she was down to “pig’s tail monkey’s eyebrow!!”
A little girl recently told me that every time her mother swore, she got a dollar! That seems like a lot of money to me for one word! I don’t know if this means her mom never swears or is getting very serious about her bad habit!
******
3. Om (means calm the heck down!)
Day One of picking up Emma from Art Camp, we were 10 minutes late. And it was all my fault. I suggested to Laur that we had time to pick up a snorkel for me at W*lM*rt for swimming in the Good Life pool. With my collar bone injury, it’s a bit harder for me to turn my head to breath. Laur suggested that I really didn’t need this. That I had trouble the day before because I wasn’t wearing my fins while doing my one-armed swim.
Of course, that made me all the more determined that I absolutely HAD to have a snorkel set and it HAD to be that day. What I won’t mention is that I bought a snorkel set two years ago and gave it to the Salvation Army because I was sure I’d never need it.
So not only did we end up starting out late, we hit bunches of construction and traffic jams as bad or worse than the Kingsway in Sudbury in the summer. Laur said, “I’ll be glad when you can drive again so I can be in the passenger seat giving orders and being crabby!” (Not quite like that but close.) To which I crabbed further, “Whenever I am driving, please give me orders because I have no idea where I’m going!!!”
There! That showed him! I also didn’t charge him for any of the words he could have been mumbling under his breath!
*****
4. Moan
Before my accident I had said to my friend A that it would be nice to visit friend B in Virgil and she agreed – so I set a date for us. I do not like to cancel so I asked my hubs if he would drive us. Actually, I kind of stated it… He asked, “Do I have to visit too?” He was so relieved to know he didn’t have to, that he didn’t ask what he was supposed to do for the one and a half hours while we visited. I wanted to head this one off at the pass so I suggested, “You could go to the library in Niagara on the Lake. It’s close by, it’s air-conditioned, it’s quiet, and you could read your library book.”
Laur dropped A and me off at B’s – after receiving some very convoluted directions from me – and headed off to the library. He said to a librarian when he arrived, “This book I borrowed from the St. Catharines library. Will it set off any bells when I leave?” The librarian chuckled, “I don’t think so but I’m going to keep my eye on you!” Normally Laur loves banter, but it was a hot day, it was his nap time, and getting directions from me drives him around the twist.
He picked out a comfy chair in the Rotary Room and cracked open his book. A woman arrived and brought out her knitting needles and yarn. Laur thought that was a little weird, but as long as she was quiet…. And then a second woman showed up with her knitting and the two of them started chatting up a storm. Laur started forming a scowl on his face, but persisted with his reading.
And then a third showed up, brought out her knitting and the three of them got into a never ending story about trips and shopping. Laurence looked up, really wanting to say something, and…noticed the librarian had brought a pot of tea to the group. Not only that, there was a sign out saying, “Welcome to Knit a Bit! – Friday afternoons from 2 to 4 pm. Laur said, “Oops Ladies, I forgot my knitting!” And moved.
I was so glad my friend A was with us for both the trip there (me getting lost) and the trip back (Laur’s adventure at the library). She said that when she reads my stories, she sometimes wonders if these things could all really happen. I think she knows now! 😊
*****
5. Groan
The other morning, Laur decided it was high time he went for a bike ride. And off he went on a 55 km trek in 30 degree heat and humidity and hot wind while I had coffee in air conditioned comfort with my gal pal. He arrived back beet-red, exhausted, and soaked in sweat. I asked him how it was and he gave me a detailed description of his route and weather conditions and then added, “but it’s nicer when you come with me…” I was about to ask him “Who is she?!” If my hubs is getting all slushy, there has to be another woman in the equation.
But he continued…
“On the other hand…
I don’t have to stop to wait up for you.
You never ride beside me anyways.
You’re always listening to podcasts.
You’re always hungry.
You complain about going up hills.”
And then he wandered off to have his shower, and I made lunch for both of us. There might be some women who’d be offended by this and would have thought twice about making their hubs a sandwich. Me, I was reassured.
Did I tell you? We seniors DO NOT LIKE CHANGE!
What follows are five short recaps of some of our incidents of crabbiness. Our irritability lasts longer than what I have described, and there have been more that five incidents. But I’m pretty forgetful. What is that quote? “The secret to a happy marriage is a good sense of humour and a short memory.”
1. Foam
We were low on dishwater detergent. A day or so before my accident I picked up some. The store was out of our usual kind so I picked up a bottle from the space beside it. Brought it home to Laur. And the day after my accident, he poured it into our dishwasher – and we went for our after-supper stroll.
We came back to a kitchen floor completed covered with soapsuds. Turns out I had bought dishwashing – not dishwasher – soap. And Laur had trusted my judgement which never works out very well. I parked myself - with my broken wing and foggy brain - on the couch and surfed the internet looking for a solution while Laur tried to smother the bubbles with bath towels, and drain the dishwasher. It was the only help I could offer.
He ended up handwashing all the dishes and I found online a quick fix for our dishwasher - run a solution of salt and vinegar through one cycle. Our kitchen floor has never been cleaner and I did not need to add any laundry soap when I washed the towels.
Note that I bought the dishwasher detergent before my accident – which shows that I don’t need a recent bang to my head to make bad choices.
2. Tome (means big book)
Having a fractured clavicle means no Body Pump or Yoga or much of anything at GoodLife. OK, I decided I would make lemonade out of these lemons and use my mornings for other things. I am applying to be a Licensed Community Chaplain in the Mennonite Church of Eastern Canada. And oh my glory! I get to read such exciting books as “A Mennonite Polity for Ministerial Leadership: A Statement by the Joint Committee on Ministerial Leadership.” And I get to write “Jan’s Very Long Epistle to the Mennonites in Kitchener.” This is to show that I have good enough personal qualities and a Mennonite understanding of Christian theology. It’s worth a shot, but… (Oops! Mennos aren’t fond of guns.)
Another part is that I have to enter all my resume information into an online spread sheet. Entering my volunteer history for the past few years took me close to an hour. And that was only one of about 10 sections. What I didn’t realize – because I don’t read instructions – is that that you have to save every line entry and then update every page before you move to another. Guess who lost about close to three hours of inputting?!
I could have sworn a blue streak but a) I can’t stand swearing and b) given that I’m applying to the Mennonite Church for licensing, this might not be the best time to take up profanity . I came up with the cuss “For Frankenstein’s Sugarplum!” My mom-in-law Gabe – having five boys to raise and being a minister’s wife - would say “beast dog horse pig cow elephant monkey ox!!!!" Laur says when she was really ticked, she would simply spit out "BEAST!!" By the time the youngest Cal was old enough to mimic her, she was down to “pig’s tail monkey’s eyebrow!!”
A little girl recently told me that every time her mother swore, she got a dollar! That seems like a lot of money to me for one word! I don’t know if this means her mom never swears or is getting very serious about her bad habit!
******
3. Om (means calm the heck down!)
Day One of picking up Emma from Art Camp, we were 10 minutes late. And it was all my fault. I suggested to Laur that we had time to pick up a snorkel for me at W*lM*rt for swimming in the Good Life pool. With my collar bone injury, it’s a bit harder for me to turn my head to breath. Laur suggested that I really didn’t need this. That I had trouble the day before because I wasn’t wearing my fins while doing my one-armed swim.
Of course, that made me all the more determined that I absolutely HAD to have a snorkel set and it HAD to be that day. What I won’t mention is that I bought a snorkel set two years ago and gave it to the Salvation Army because I was sure I’d never need it.
So not only did we end up starting out late, we hit bunches of construction and traffic jams as bad or worse than the Kingsway in Sudbury in the summer. Laur said, “I’ll be glad when you can drive again so I can be in the passenger seat giving orders and being crabby!” (Not quite like that but close.) To which I crabbed further, “Whenever I am driving, please give me orders because I have no idea where I’m going!!!”
There! That showed him! I also didn’t charge him for any of the words he could have been mumbling under his breath!
*****
4. Moan
Before my accident I had said to my friend A that it would be nice to visit friend B in Virgil and she agreed – so I set a date for us. I do not like to cancel so I asked my hubs if he would drive us. Actually, I kind of stated it… He asked, “Do I have to visit too?” He was so relieved to know he didn’t have to, that he didn’t ask what he was supposed to do for the one and a half hours while we visited. I wanted to head this one off at the pass so I suggested, “You could go to the library in Niagara on the Lake. It’s close by, it’s air-conditioned, it’s quiet, and you could read your library book.”
Laur dropped A and me off at B’s – after receiving some very convoluted directions from me – and headed off to the library. He said to a librarian when he arrived, “This book I borrowed from the St. Catharines library. Will it set off any bells when I leave?” The librarian chuckled, “I don’t think so but I’m going to keep my eye on you!” Normally Laur loves banter, but it was a hot day, it was his nap time, and getting directions from me drives him around the twist.
He picked out a comfy chair in the Rotary Room and cracked open his book. A woman arrived and brought out her knitting needles and yarn. Laur thought that was a little weird, but as long as she was quiet…. And then a second woman showed up with her knitting and the two of them started chatting up a storm. Laur started forming a scowl on his face, but persisted with his reading.
And then a third showed up, brought out her knitting and the three of them got into a never ending story about trips and shopping. Laurence looked up, really wanting to say something, and…noticed the librarian had brought a pot of tea to the group. Not only that, there was a sign out saying, “Welcome to Knit a Bit! – Friday afternoons from 2 to 4 pm. Laur said, “Oops Ladies, I forgot my knitting!” And moved.
I was so glad my friend A was with us for both the trip there (me getting lost) and the trip back (Laur’s adventure at the library). She said that when she reads my stories, she sometimes wonders if these things could all really happen. I think she knows now! 😊
*****
5. Groan
The other morning, Laur decided it was high time he went for a bike ride. And off he went on a 55 km trek in 30 degree heat and humidity and hot wind while I had coffee in air conditioned comfort with my gal pal. He arrived back beet-red, exhausted, and soaked in sweat. I asked him how it was and he gave me a detailed description of his route and weather conditions and then added, “but it’s nicer when you come with me…” I was about to ask him “Who is she?!” If my hubs is getting all slushy, there has to be another woman in the equation.
But he continued…
“On the other hand…
I don’t have to stop to wait up for you.
You never ride beside me anyways.
You’re always listening to podcasts.
You’re always hungry.
You complain about going up hills.”
And then he wandered off to have his shower, and I made lunch for both of us. There might be some women who’d be offended by this and would have thought twice about making their hubs a sandwich. Me, I was reassured.
Did I tell you? We seniors DO NOT LIKE CHANGE!