Murder by the Cook*… (Beware of Geeks bearing grits...) - February 22, 2018
Murder by the Cook*…
(For a comment from my hubs Laurence, scroll down to the very end***.)
There are people who should not be allowed in the kitchen. My hubs should know – I’m one of them. I am both a threat to myself and others. The threat to myself – not my cooking, per se, but rather the way I cook. Precariously.
Threats to Myself
The tip of the top of my fourth finger on my left hand is missing. I chopped it off while I was chopping up veggies. What was more troublesome was my attempt to hide this from Laurence. I wadded up my left finger and finished making supper with my right hand – as best as I could. Why? Laur would have insisted I go to emergency to get some stitches. No way was I going to delay my supper over (quite a) few ounces of blood.
If you read my column regularly, you’ll know a little bit about my culinary ineptitude. See my column – “A Tumultuous Tuesday - at https://sunshineandapurpledress.weebly.com/a-tumultuous-tuesday-dec-23-2017.html . I did not know until that day that an overheated glass casserole dish can explode into a gazillion bits of shrapnel, if you add a little cold water to it. (The pieces of eggplants managed to hang together. Still, gah, what a mess.)
I cause electrical fires. One evening I was frying something up in our electrical frypan, and the place where the cord gets inserted into the pan went up in flames. I did not know what to do – get burned or get electrocuted. I grabbed the oven mitts that were so covered in grease that they would have made great fire-starters, and pulled out the cord from the wall. I’m not sure what I did next. Likely poured water over it. Ah well.
In a similar vein, the other night I was making rice in our rice cooker. I dumped two cups of rice and four cups of water into the rice cooker, and watched a tsunami of water and a few rice grains come flowing out of the bottom. I had neglected to put the pot in first! Thankfully, it was not plugged in. I got a beach-size towel and soaked up the water as best I could and banged the cooker around upside down to get the rice out – or as much as I could. I was about to plug it in and try again when my hubs remarked that perhaps plugging in a wet electrical appliance motor might not be wise.
Threats to Others
Note: These are not intentional, but involuntary manslaughter still involves a death.
When my hubs and I started dating, I was a vegetarian who ate meat once a week, just as a precaution. My favourite meat was liver, and I particularly loved liver soup. Don’t gag. There is such a thing. You boil up cubes of liver and veggies together. Here is a recipe in case you want to try it yourself… https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/10631/vegi-and-liver-soup Poor Laurence. I stuffed the lad with more fibre than he’d ever eaten in his entire life and then took him on a four-mile walk. Made of strong stuff, that fella.
When we were first married, we used to buy frozen Rhodes bread dough and bake it up. We were students, so I felt duty bound to be frugal. I decided to try making my own bread dough from scratch. I found a “Speedy No Need to Knead” recipe. I’m not sure what I did wrong. It was likely many things – dead yeast being the most likely culprit. The dough never did rise; I baked it anyways. It came out so hard, you couldn’t cut it with a knife, let alone chew it. We ended up using it as a door stop to Laur’s study. I kid you not.
And then there is the episode of the turnip bread. Laur and I were working (as volunteers) at a frontier school, and I was the noon cook. I don’t know how we ended up with rising bowls of bread dough – it was a rather crazy place – but I decided to up the ante by adding cheese cubes that I found in our walk-in fridge. Except – as you already know – they were cubes of turnip, not cheese, and they were intended for supper. Likely the bread dough was too. Oops…
And my most embarrassing stunt... I love to make muffins. And I loved Red River cereal – you know that eight grain stuff. I was delighted to find a recipe for Red River cereal muffins. I made up a few batches. As it so happened, that same day I had an appointment with my academic adviser, Dr. Richard – I won’t say at what university – and I decided to bring him a few. It wasn’t until after our meeting that I ate one of the muffins myself. My goodness they were gritty. And within half an hour of eating one, I had to race to the bathroom. I had neglected to cook the cereal first!
I was mortified. I later confessed to my hubs what I had done.
His comment? “I guess the phrase ‘Rocket Richard’** is going to take on new meaning…”
*****
* Murder by the Book is one of the best Columbo episodes ever. https://columbophile.wordpress.com/2015/10/21/columbo-episode-review-murder-by-the-book/
** Canadian ice hockey star Maurice Richard was nicknamed the "Rocket" for his dazzling speed and was the first NHL player to score 50 goals in a season.
*** Laur’s comment:
Culinary Jan takes after her mom, Marj, whose idea of regular fare was anything in a can: canned potatoes, canned veggies, and canned beef stew. For Marj, haute cuisine was a Swanson TV dinner.
One time, after visiting her husband Bob’s brother Ted and his wife Audrey, Marj asked Bob, “Ted always thanks Audrey for the wonderful meal. Why don’t you?”
Bob replied, “I ate it, didn’t I?” Nuff said. 😊
****Jan’s comment:
TBA – but Laur may want to practice sleeping with one eye open…
(For a comment from my hubs Laurence, scroll down to the very end***.)
There are people who should not be allowed in the kitchen. My hubs should know – I’m one of them. I am both a threat to myself and others. The threat to myself – not my cooking, per se, but rather the way I cook. Precariously.
Threats to Myself
The tip of the top of my fourth finger on my left hand is missing. I chopped it off while I was chopping up veggies. What was more troublesome was my attempt to hide this from Laurence. I wadded up my left finger and finished making supper with my right hand – as best as I could. Why? Laur would have insisted I go to emergency to get some stitches. No way was I going to delay my supper over (quite a) few ounces of blood.
If you read my column regularly, you’ll know a little bit about my culinary ineptitude. See my column – “A Tumultuous Tuesday - at https://sunshineandapurpledress.weebly.com/a-tumultuous-tuesday-dec-23-2017.html . I did not know until that day that an overheated glass casserole dish can explode into a gazillion bits of shrapnel, if you add a little cold water to it. (The pieces of eggplants managed to hang together. Still, gah, what a mess.)
I cause electrical fires. One evening I was frying something up in our electrical frypan, and the place where the cord gets inserted into the pan went up in flames. I did not know what to do – get burned or get electrocuted. I grabbed the oven mitts that were so covered in grease that they would have made great fire-starters, and pulled out the cord from the wall. I’m not sure what I did next. Likely poured water over it. Ah well.
In a similar vein, the other night I was making rice in our rice cooker. I dumped two cups of rice and four cups of water into the rice cooker, and watched a tsunami of water and a few rice grains come flowing out of the bottom. I had neglected to put the pot in first! Thankfully, it was not plugged in. I got a beach-size towel and soaked up the water as best I could and banged the cooker around upside down to get the rice out – or as much as I could. I was about to plug it in and try again when my hubs remarked that perhaps plugging in a wet electrical appliance motor might not be wise.
Threats to Others
Note: These are not intentional, but involuntary manslaughter still involves a death.
When my hubs and I started dating, I was a vegetarian who ate meat once a week, just as a precaution. My favourite meat was liver, and I particularly loved liver soup. Don’t gag. There is such a thing. You boil up cubes of liver and veggies together. Here is a recipe in case you want to try it yourself… https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/10631/vegi-and-liver-soup Poor Laurence. I stuffed the lad with more fibre than he’d ever eaten in his entire life and then took him on a four-mile walk. Made of strong stuff, that fella.
When we were first married, we used to buy frozen Rhodes bread dough and bake it up. We were students, so I felt duty bound to be frugal. I decided to try making my own bread dough from scratch. I found a “Speedy No Need to Knead” recipe. I’m not sure what I did wrong. It was likely many things – dead yeast being the most likely culprit. The dough never did rise; I baked it anyways. It came out so hard, you couldn’t cut it with a knife, let alone chew it. We ended up using it as a door stop to Laur’s study. I kid you not.
And then there is the episode of the turnip bread. Laur and I were working (as volunteers) at a frontier school, and I was the noon cook. I don’t know how we ended up with rising bowls of bread dough – it was a rather crazy place – but I decided to up the ante by adding cheese cubes that I found in our walk-in fridge. Except – as you already know – they were cubes of turnip, not cheese, and they were intended for supper. Likely the bread dough was too. Oops…
And my most embarrassing stunt... I love to make muffins. And I loved Red River cereal – you know that eight grain stuff. I was delighted to find a recipe for Red River cereal muffins. I made up a few batches. As it so happened, that same day I had an appointment with my academic adviser, Dr. Richard – I won’t say at what university – and I decided to bring him a few. It wasn’t until after our meeting that I ate one of the muffins myself. My goodness they were gritty. And within half an hour of eating one, I had to race to the bathroom. I had neglected to cook the cereal first!
I was mortified. I later confessed to my hubs what I had done.
His comment? “I guess the phrase ‘Rocket Richard’** is going to take on new meaning…”
*****
* Murder by the Book is one of the best Columbo episodes ever. https://columbophile.wordpress.com/2015/10/21/columbo-episode-review-murder-by-the-book/
** Canadian ice hockey star Maurice Richard was nicknamed the "Rocket" for his dazzling speed and was the first NHL player to score 50 goals in a season.
*** Laur’s comment:
Culinary Jan takes after her mom, Marj, whose idea of regular fare was anything in a can: canned potatoes, canned veggies, and canned beef stew. For Marj, haute cuisine was a Swanson TV dinner.
One time, after visiting her husband Bob’s brother Ted and his wife Audrey, Marj asked Bob, “Ted always thanks Audrey for the wonderful meal. Why don’t you?”
Bob replied, “I ate it, didn’t I?” Nuff said. 😊
****Jan’s comment:
TBA – but Laur may want to practice sleeping with one eye open…