Meanwhile at Jelly Bean Church...March 2, 2019
(Sunday, February 24 was “Seminary Sunday” – a day to celebrate aspiring clergy. 😊)
Pity the young student pastor that has to lead the service of a church filled with old folks – the average age of whom is about 75. That would describe us at Jelly Bean Church. (Not the real name, of course. Though the pastor, “Paul,” at this particular church has said we should have been called Church of the Mother Hen.)
First of all, you’ve got to get everyone sitting down and (there is no nice way to put this) shutting up. We old folks see church as a social occasion. And then there are the announcements, and we old people love to have an audience. Many of us are retired preachers and teachers, and no one has to listen to us anymore. So give us a captive audience, and we’ll talk forever – in spite of the pastor’s pleas to keep it short.
The organist won’t even have got half way through the prelude before someone’s phone goes off. But they can’t hear it, so all the folks sitting nearby have to get his or her (usually his) attention. And once the lad finds his phone, the only way he knows how to turn it off is to answer it. “Hello! Hello! Who is this?!” … “Oh, hi so-and-so – I completely forgot.” (Wife glares at him...) “Right! Right! I’m in church right now and can’t talk.” … “No we’re at Jelly Bean Church – we’re in AZ for the winter now…” (Wife pokes him in the ribs...) “Well, so-and-so, I better go. Margie here wants to tell me something.” …. “Yep, yep…”
Then we the congregation get to sing our first song. The service leader says, “Please stand if you are able…” Don’t give us a choice. It’s too confusing. And then we started belting out our favorite hymn and then … what the John Henry?! These aren’t the right words! So the singing drops off momentarily while we grey-hairs try to figure it out. If we’re in luck, it’s only a word in the verse and not in the chorus, because by golly, by the third time we’ve stumbled through the chorus, we’ve going to fight back. We are going to sing the original words, dagnabbit!
The Scripture readings – it used to be so easy in the olden days. An Old Testament reading, a Psalm read responsively, a New Testament reading, and then the Gospel reading. It’s called the Common Lectionary and if you attend a liturgical church every Sunday, you’ll pretty much cover the Bible in three years – A, B & C.
It used to be easy… But now some preaching teams are having some trouble with some of those Old Testament stories – and I don’t blame them for wanting to skip them. Though they are the ones we parents used to threaten our kids with. In the United Church of Canada, the responsive reading also involves singing a chorus that no one has ever heard before – or at least not for 3 years. And the New Testament and Gospel readings? Back in the day when we only read from the King James Version, you could pretty much quote what the worship leader was reading. Not any more. There are more than a dozen translations competing for the best translation – and one that tries to put the Bible in the language of the common man, er, person. Most of us appreciate “The Message” – I sure do. It makes Laur wants to jab his eardrums with a compass. Mind you, he’s like that about most things.
Time for the sermon. These days Junior Pastors go to theological college and learn new vocabulary and mannerisms for preaching. Take last Sunday with “Pete” (not his real name.) He wanted to bring in an illustration that we’d remember. So he brought in a car tire to bring home the idea that Abram was heading out on a journey. I won’t forget the tire, but what I’ll remember even more is that his hands got covered with black, and he was wearing a white shirt and light coloured pants.
No worries, he was in a church of mother hens – likely grandmother and great-grandmother hens. And a woman immediately hustled up to the front to give Pete a paper towel to wipe his hands off on. A few minutes later, he coughed – and within a minute another gal sprinted up to the front to bring him a cup of water.
As for the actual sermon, well, these baby preachers use words like “particularity” and “hermeneutics,” “exegesis” and “eisegesis.” Heh? So when a pastor-to-be uses phrases we can hear, understand, and maybe even agree with a little bit, a loving hum extends through the congregation. You might think he is about to get swarmed… As if he isn’t nervous enough.
Also, there is this thing now where you are supposed to involve the congregation by asking them questions. I gotta tell you, most of us have heard any particular sermon about 25 times and when we hear a verse like…
“Now the LORD had said unto Abram, Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto a land that I will shew thee...”
Or
God told Abram: “Get outta town man – and you’ll see where I’m taking you…”
We’ll, that’s our cue to settle back and get comfortable for the next 20 minutes – no harm, no foul.
But these days, a preacher-to-be might just request the congregation to contribute. Like this Sunday when our young lad asked us, “Where in your life have you felt called to do something, but past practice has held you back?” Say what?! Well, I’ve never been asked to talk during a sermon and I’m certainly not going to start now! After a long pause, Pastor Pete said, “Umm, I guess not…” And returned to his notes.
But we all wanted him to know he is loved and heard so we started chirping things. One lady said she would really like to have a nap on a Sunday afternoon. Another lady said she’d really like to go to a Ladies’ Retreat. Hubs was about to volunteer, “I’d like to hike this afternoon!” but thought better of it. This is something we’d do anyway.
It used to be the preacher ended the sermon with “Amen.” To which we would rouse ourselves and say “Amen” back. But our lad, with a most sincere voice, said, “And so ends our sermon.” And what do you say to that, “Thanks be to God!?” That would be kind of insulting.
Please know that I am not making fun of Pastor Pete. We adore him. My goodness – a young person in an old person’s church? I’m surprised we haven’t clamped an electronic monitor on his ankle to keep him from running away on us. We felt bereft when our former junior pastor graduated. We will with Pete too.
Nor am I really making fun of our congregation. True, some of us are not big on change. You’ve heard the joke, “How many ‘insert-name-of-beloved-denomination-here’ does it take to change a light bulb?” The answer is “Change???!!!”
Having said that, I’m perfectly happy in a church that could be described as “This IS your grandmothers’ church.” A church that has an active women’s group that make sure every congregant who needs prayer, a card, a phone call, a visit, and / or a four course meal gets one. Gets multiples, actually.
Or has those marvelous annual Christmas and Spring Teas like my home church - All Peoples United in Sudbury. I can remember a congregant getting a cancer diagnosis and being told she might not live until Christmas. Her response, “Well, I’d better get knitting for the tea then!” By the way, she is still living at age 101. Still living a “purpose-filled life” – even in a Nursing Home.
My Ministry partner Irja, who has passed over, and I loved the book by Rick Warren – “The Purpose Driven Life.” She and I had a quote we believed with our whole heart “If God only used perfect people, nohting would get done. God will use anybody if you're available.” (Spelling error is on purpose, Laur.)
Now that is something I can answer with “Thanks be to God!” 😊
Pity the young student pastor that has to lead the service of a church filled with old folks – the average age of whom is about 75. That would describe us at Jelly Bean Church. (Not the real name, of course. Though the pastor, “Paul,” at this particular church has said we should have been called Church of the Mother Hen.)
First of all, you’ve got to get everyone sitting down and (there is no nice way to put this) shutting up. We old folks see church as a social occasion. And then there are the announcements, and we old people love to have an audience. Many of us are retired preachers and teachers, and no one has to listen to us anymore. So give us a captive audience, and we’ll talk forever – in spite of the pastor’s pleas to keep it short.
The organist won’t even have got half way through the prelude before someone’s phone goes off. But they can’t hear it, so all the folks sitting nearby have to get his or her (usually his) attention. And once the lad finds his phone, the only way he knows how to turn it off is to answer it. “Hello! Hello! Who is this?!” … “Oh, hi so-and-so – I completely forgot.” (Wife glares at him...) “Right! Right! I’m in church right now and can’t talk.” … “No we’re at Jelly Bean Church – we’re in AZ for the winter now…” (Wife pokes him in the ribs...) “Well, so-and-so, I better go. Margie here wants to tell me something.” …. “Yep, yep…”
Then we the congregation get to sing our first song. The service leader says, “Please stand if you are able…” Don’t give us a choice. It’s too confusing. And then we started belting out our favorite hymn and then … what the John Henry?! These aren’t the right words! So the singing drops off momentarily while we grey-hairs try to figure it out. If we’re in luck, it’s only a word in the verse and not in the chorus, because by golly, by the third time we’ve stumbled through the chorus, we’ve going to fight back. We are going to sing the original words, dagnabbit!
The Scripture readings – it used to be so easy in the olden days. An Old Testament reading, a Psalm read responsively, a New Testament reading, and then the Gospel reading. It’s called the Common Lectionary and if you attend a liturgical church every Sunday, you’ll pretty much cover the Bible in three years – A, B & C.
It used to be easy… But now some preaching teams are having some trouble with some of those Old Testament stories – and I don’t blame them for wanting to skip them. Though they are the ones we parents used to threaten our kids with. In the United Church of Canada, the responsive reading also involves singing a chorus that no one has ever heard before – or at least not for 3 years. And the New Testament and Gospel readings? Back in the day when we only read from the King James Version, you could pretty much quote what the worship leader was reading. Not any more. There are more than a dozen translations competing for the best translation – and one that tries to put the Bible in the language of the common man, er, person. Most of us appreciate “The Message” – I sure do. It makes Laur wants to jab his eardrums with a compass. Mind you, he’s like that about most things.
Time for the sermon. These days Junior Pastors go to theological college and learn new vocabulary and mannerisms for preaching. Take last Sunday with “Pete” (not his real name.) He wanted to bring in an illustration that we’d remember. So he brought in a car tire to bring home the idea that Abram was heading out on a journey. I won’t forget the tire, but what I’ll remember even more is that his hands got covered with black, and he was wearing a white shirt and light coloured pants.
No worries, he was in a church of mother hens – likely grandmother and great-grandmother hens. And a woman immediately hustled up to the front to give Pete a paper towel to wipe his hands off on. A few minutes later, he coughed – and within a minute another gal sprinted up to the front to bring him a cup of water.
As for the actual sermon, well, these baby preachers use words like “particularity” and “hermeneutics,” “exegesis” and “eisegesis.” Heh? So when a pastor-to-be uses phrases we can hear, understand, and maybe even agree with a little bit, a loving hum extends through the congregation. You might think he is about to get swarmed… As if he isn’t nervous enough.
Also, there is this thing now where you are supposed to involve the congregation by asking them questions. I gotta tell you, most of us have heard any particular sermon about 25 times and when we hear a verse like…
“Now the LORD had said unto Abram, Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto a land that I will shew thee...”
Or
God told Abram: “Get outta town man – and you’ll see where I’m taking you…”
We’ll, that’s our cue to settle back and get comfortable for the next 20 minutes – no harm, no foul.
But these days, a preacher-to-be might just request the congregation to contribute. Like this Sunday when our young lad asked us, “Where in your life have you felt called to do something, but past practice has held you back?” Say what?! Well, I’ve never been asked to talk during a sermon and I’m certainly not going to start now! After a long pause, Pastor Pete said, “Umm, I guess not…” And returned to his notes.
But we all wanted him to know he is loved and heard so we started chirping things. One lady said she would really like to have a nap on a Sunday afternoon. Another lady said she’d really like to go to a Ladies’ Retreat. Hubs was about to volunteer, “I’d like to hike this afternoon!” but thought better of it. This is something we’d do anyway.
It used to be the preacher ended the sermon with “Amen.” To which we would rouse ourselves and say “Amen” back. But our lad, with a most sincere voice, said, “And so ends our sermon.” And what do you say to that, “Thanks be to God!?” That would be kind of insulting.
Please know that I am not making fun of Pastor Pete. We adore him. My goodness – a young person in an old person’s church? I’m surprised we haven’t clamped an electronic monitor on his ankle to keep him from running away on us. We felt bereft when our former junior pastor graduated. We will with Pete too.
Nor am I really making fun of our congregation. True, some of us are not big on change. You’ve heard the joke, “How many ‘insert-name-of-beloved-denomination-here’ does it take to change a light bulb?” The answer is “Change???!!!”
Having said that, I’m perfectly happy in a church that could be described as “This IS your grandmothers’ church.” A church that has an active women’s group that make sure every congregant who needs prayer, a card, a phone call, a visit, and / or a four course meal gets one. Gets multiples, actually.
Or has those marvelous annual Christmas and Spring Teas like my home church - All Peoples United in Sudbury. I can remember a congregant getting a cancer diagnosis and being told she might not live until Christmas. Her response, “Well, I’d better get knitting for the tea then!” By the way, she is still living at age 101. Still living a “purpose-filled life” – even in a Nursing Home.
My Ministry partner Irja, who has passed over, and I loved the book by Rick Warren – “The Purpose Driven Life.” She and I had a quote we believed with our whole heart “If God only used perfect people, nohting would get done. God will use anybody if you're available.” (Spelling error is on purpose, Laur.)
Now that is something I can answer with “Thanks be to God!” 😊