Duty Dad - October 6, 2018
The year was 1985. The date was September 27. And that marked the beginning of my husband Laur’s life as a “duty dad.” It was the day our sweet babboo Carolyn was born.
Anna was in full-day school by now, and Tommy was going to a cooperative nursery school. When you see the word “cooperative” it usually means “person hours will need to be donated.” I actually didn’t mind being a “duty mom” which is what we called a nursery school helper. Providing the cleanup from the big craft of the day wasn’t a nightmare, I actually enjoyed hanging out with the kids. OK, not my kid – at the time. Tommy whined at me the entire time I was there. Age and stage. He’s now a happy young man with a toddler of his own.
Who would be the duty parent now that our third child Carolyn was born? Would it be my mom, Granny Marj? No, she lived a seven hour drive away – and to be honest, she’d served her time. Maybe I could pay a friend? Nope! They all had kids in this nursery school and were already “serving time.” What about my favorite babysitter – Jane? Nope, she was in high school during the day.
That left one person – Laur. Normally dads can bail on this kind of stuff because they have a job to go to. And Laur did too – except he didn’t have to teach on Tuesday mornings… And nursery school was Tuesday and Thursday mornings.
Oh, it gets worse. The duty parent in our neck of the woods also picked up three other ankle biters – two of whom were well behaved, and one of whom liked to unbuckle himself and open the car door. That only happened once. No, the kids didn’t hit the pavement. He came up against a much tougher force – my hubs. “You will NEVER do this again when you are in MY CAR! Do WE have an UNDERSTANDING?!” Picture one very red and gruffly bearded face delivering this ultimatum.
Laur arrived at the nursery school – his left hand around the wrist of the challenging boy who liked to “take off” on his mom, and his right hand gently holding that of a little girl who held hands with the other little girl who held hands with Tommy. Tommy never went through the phase of thinking that girls have “cooties.” In fact, he was always rather fond of them. OK, he did have to adjust to the female baby interloper, but that is normal.
And once in the nursery school, Laur didn’t have too bad of a time. Laur is actually quite good with kids – well-behaved kids, that is. He got to play cars and trucks with some kids, and read books to others. And who doesn’t like snack time? There was just one other incident that tested his patience. A certain boy was throwing sand out of the sandbox. A duty mom said in her nursery school voice, “Oh Joey (not his real name), the sand stays in the box. If you can’t place nicely we’ll have to close the sand station.”
Joey continued to throw sand. Laur appeared. “All right everybody – move your hands!” They did and “wham” – down came the lid on the sandbox. “So Joey, now you’ve wrecked sandbox time for the kids who know how to play nice. I don’t think that’s very fair!”
The rest of this particular morning went on without further incident and the kids got safely home, including the one who was attempting to escape on the trip TO nursery school.
At a nursery school meeting a week or two later, one of the ladies said to me, “It’s the first time we’ve ever had a duty parent get aggressive with one of the children…” She was in fact laughing and smiling, as were the other duty moms. Another one said, “He wasn’t being aggressive – he was being assertive!” These women all really liked Laurence and enjoyed telling their husbands that some dads (OK, one dad) helps at the nursery school too.
Laur continued on as duty dad for the entire year – even after Carolyn would take a bottle if needed. He didn’t twig until June of 1986 – some nine months later – that he really didn’t need to be duty dad anymore. He was as capable of staying home with Carolyn as I was. I had figured that out long about the three month mark, but I wasn’t saying anything. 😊
Did Laurence do repeat performance with Elaine? No, Elaine and I went to and offered playdates with other kids and their mom. I was “nursery schooled out” by then – as much as I think preschools are wonderful.
And I haven’t asked Laur to join me at the local school in the breakfast program. I cannot imagine – or rather I can imagine - what he’d say the first time a child threw some of her breakfast in the garbage, or came in wearing pants that were half way down his backside.
And far from being shunned at our local elementary school, he’d be recruited by fellow community volunteers and teachers alike. Most of us dearly want to hear what we’d like to say, but can’t get away with it.
“Grumpa Laur” can.
Anna was in full-day school by now, and Tommy was going to a cooperative nursery school. When you see the word “cooperative” it usually means “person hours will need to be donated.” I actually didn’t mind being a “duty mom” which is what we called a nursery school helper. Providing the cleanup from the big craft of the day wasn’t a nightmare, I actually enjoyed hanging out with the kids. OK, not my kid – at the time. Tommy whined at me the entire time I was there. Age and stage. He’s now a happy young man with a toddler of his own.
Who would be the duty parent now that our third child Carolyn was born? Would it be my mom, Granny Marj? No, she lived a seven hour drive away – and to be honest, she’d served her time. Maybe I could pay a friend? Nope! They all had kids in this nursery school and were already “serving time.” What about my favorite babysitter – Jane? Nope, she was in high school during the day.
That left one person – Laur. Normally dads can bail on this kind of stuff because they have a job to go to. And Laur did too – except he didn’t have to teach on Tuesday mornings… And nursery school was Tuesday and Thursday mornings.
Oh, it gets worse. The duty parent in our neck of the woods also picked up three other ankle biters – two of whom were well behaved, and one of whom liked to unbuckle himself and open the car door. That only happened once. No, the kids didn’t hit the pavement. He came up against a much tougher force – my hubs. “You will NEVER do this again when you are in MY CAR! Do WE have an UNDERSTANDING?!” Picture one very red and gruffly bearded face delivering this ultimatum.
Laur arrived at the nursery school – his left hand around the wrist of the challenging boy who liked to “take off” on his mom, and his right hand gently holding that of a little girl who held hands with the other little girl who held hands with Tommy. Tommy never went through the phase of thinking that girls have “cooties.” In fact, he was always rather fond of them. OK, he did have to adjust to the female baby interloper, but that is normal.
And once in the nursery school, Laur didn’t have too bad of a time. Laur is actually quite good with kids – well-behaved kids, that is. He got to play cars and trucks with some kids, and read books to others. And who doesn’t like snack time? There was just one other incident that tested his patience. A certain boy was throwing sand out of the sandbox. A duty mom said in her nursery school voice, “Oh Joey (not his real name), the sand stays in the box. If you can’t place nicely we’ll have to close the sand station.”
Joey continued to throw sand. Laur appeared. “All right everybody – move your hands!” They did and “wham” – down came the lid on the sandbox. “So Joey, now you’ve wrecked sandbox time for the kids who know how to play nice. I don’t think that’s very fair!”
The rest of this particular morning went on without further incident and the kids got safely home, including the one who was attempting to escape on the trip TO nursery school.
At a nursery school meeting a week or two later, one of the ladies said to me, “It’s the first time we’ve ever had a duty parent get aggressive with one of the children…” She was in fact laughing and smiling, as were the other duty moms. Another one said, “He wasn’t being aggressive – he was being assertive!” These women all really liked Laurence and enjoyed telling their husbands that some dads (OK, one dad) helps at the nursery school too.
Laur continued on as duty dad for the entire year – even after Carolyn would take a bottle if needed. He didn’t twig until June of 1986 – some nine months later – that he really didn’t need to be duty dad anymore. He was as capable of staying home with Carolyn as I was. I had figured that out long about the three month mark, but I wasn’t saying anything. 😊
Did Laurence do repeat performance with Elaine? No, Elaine and I went to and offered playdates with other kids and their mom. I was “nursery schooled out” by then – as much as I think preschools are wonderful.
And I haven’t asked Laur to join me at the local school in the breakfast program. I cannot imagine – or rather I can imagine - what he’d say the first time a child threw some of her breakfast in the garbage, or came in wearing pants that were half way down his backside.
And far from being shunned at our local elementary school, he’d be recruited by fellow community volunteers and teachers alike. Most of us dearly want to hear what we’d like to say, but can’t get away with it.
“Grumpa Laur” can.