Captain Laurence - January 13, 2018
My husband Laurence has two major loves in his life. I know, you think I’m going to say his wife and his kids. And while I’m sure he loves us well enough, he is infatuated with the Welland Canal in the Niagara Region and the mountains in the Green Valley / Tucson area.
I’m not offended – I understand completely. The Canal and the mountains don’t make demands of him. They don’t call him Laurie-Darlin’ when it’s time to clean the microwave or tell him the night before that they have a science project due the next day.
But Laur is going to be cheating on the mountains come mid-April. Yes, we can be in the Arizona for six months – November 1 to April 30. But this year, we’re going back two weeks early. You see, Laur is giving a presentation to the St. Catharines Historical Society on the Welland Canal. Which canal (there are four of them) or what year (they date back to 1824), I have no idea. Not that Laur wouldn’t love to tell me. I just don’t want to listen. I tell him, “I’ll hear all about it on April … ‘what was that date again?’”
Laur has been working on this presentation – is still is working on this presentation – for about a year now. We have cycled or walked just about every foot of these canals and Laur has hundreds of pictures to prove it. We even got chased off canal three by the St. Lawrence Seaway security, having ignored the warning signs and gone searching around anyway.
I think Laur should be advertising this event as, “BYOSB!” Bring your own sleeping bag. Though that might not work out so well. The vast majority of attenders to these Welland Canal presentations are Seniors. And some are really senior. Getting up from that concrete floor might prove to be a bit of a challenge.
The afternoons we are home at our AZ trailer, I claim the living room, and Laur gets the Arizona room. It’s not a bad deal. He gets the easy boy chair, an electric fireplace where he can control the heat, his own stash of corn chips, and a view of the mountains. I need some space when we’re together 24/7, and Laur needs not to be reminded of the microwave that needs cleaning.
A few days ago, he came tearing into the living room, bringing his computer and his corded mouse with him. (Yes, Laur and I have corded “mouses.” We would otherwise lose them.) “Jannie,” he exclaimed, “You have to see this right now! Sit on the couch beside me!” I did! What could possibly be this wonderful?
Laur turned on the video. It’s a fast-motion film of going through the eight locks on the Welland Canal – taken from the bridge of the ship. “Look at this! Lock fills up; lock empties…” Eight times… Plus countless bridges – bridge goes up; bridge goes down. Then Laur said, “They’ve cropped out the boring parts.” And I responded, “Oh, where’s the film of the interesting parts?” Laur replied with a downturned mouth, “These ARE the interesting parts!”
Oh dear. There are two ways this can go. I can humbly apologize and tell him how that just goes to show that I really need to learn more about the Welland Canal. Or I can get a fit of the giggles and go on a roll with this. I chose the latter – well actually, one doesn’t actually choose a fit of the giggles. They just happen.
“Laurence,” I laughed, “The marketing possibilities for this are amazing. You could make this into a video game for old men.” “What?” he says. He’s still feeling a little stung that I didn’t find the seaway video as interesting as I might cat videos.
“Yes, you give them a controller to help them navigate a ship from lock 8 to lock 1 and back again. Except, the controllers don’t really do anything. So, they get a perfect score each time. Slow it down to real time and it could keep a retired husband busy for hours. I mean, it takes 12 hours to go through the Welland Canal one way, right? Add a return trip and ‘Bob’s your uncle!’”
Laur never did get as excited by this project as I did. Tomorrow we are hiking Mount Hopkins. I’m going to suggest he film it and narrate it. For the cranks like me, he could fast-speed it – so the hike would only take 15 minutes and we’d be entertained by a chipmunk voice. And for hike-lovers who can’t hike anymore, he could make it into – yes – a video game. Six hours up and six hours down – and you “bag the peak” every time.
Though in the slower version you might get to see a hike leader push a cackling wife off a cliff. Ten extra points if you notice it. Twenty if you don’t report it!
*****
PS - Here is a link to the video Laur was so anxious to show me. https://youtu.be/U15Fwo9tbJ4
I’m not offended – I understand completely. The Canal and the mountains don’t make demands of him. They don’t call him Laurie-Darlin’ when it’s time to clean the microwave or tell him the night before that they have a science project due the next day.
But Laur is going to be cheating on the mountains come mid-April. Yes, we can be in the Arizona for six months – November 1 to April 30. But this year, we’re going back two weeks early. You see, Laur is giving a presentation to the St. Catharines Historical Society on the Welland Canal. Which canal (there are four of them) or what year (they date back to 1824), I have no idea. Not that Laur wouldn’t love to tell me. I just don’t want to listen. I tell him, “I’ll hear all about it on April … ‘what was that date again?’”
Laur has been working on this presentation – is still is working on this presentation – for about a year now. We have cycled or walked just about every foot of these canals and Laur has hundreds of pictures to prove it. We even got chased off canal three by the St. Lawrence Seaway security, having ignored the warning signs and gone searching around anyway.
I think Laur should be advertising this event as, “BYOSB!” Bring your own sleeping bag. Though that might not work out so well. The vast majority of attenders to these Welland Canal presentations are Seniors. And some are really senior. Getting up from that concrete floor might prove to be a bit of a challenge.
The afternoons we are home at our AZ trailer, I claim the living room, and Laur gets the Arizona room. It’s not a bad deal. He gets the easy boy chair, an electric fireplace where he can control the heat, his own stash of corn chips, and a view of the mountains. I need some space when we’re together 24/7, and Laur needs not to be reminded of the microwave that needs cleaning.
A few days ago, he came tearing into the living room, bringing his computer and his corded mouse with him. (Yes, Laur and I have corded “mouses.” We would otherwise lose them.) “Jannie,” he exclaimed, “You have to see this right now! Sit on the couch beside me!” I did! What could possibly be this wonderful?
Laur turned on the video. It’s a fast-motion film of going through the eight locks on the Welland Canal – taken from the bridge of the ship. “Look at this! Lock fills up; lock empties…” Eight times… Plus countless bridges – bridge goes up; bridge goes down. Then Laur said, “They’ve cropped out the boring parts.” And I responded, “Oh, where’s the film of the interesting parts?” Laur replied with a downturned mouth, “These ARE the interesting parts!”
Oh dear. There are two ways this can go. I can humbly apologize and tell him how that just goes to show that I really need to learn more about the Welland Canal. Or I can get a fit of the giggles and go on a roll with this. I chose the latter – well actually, one doesn’t actually choose a fit of the giggles. They just happen.
“Laurence,” I laughed, “The marketing possibilities for this are amazing. You could make this into a video game for old men.” “What?” he says. He’s still feeling a little stung that I didn’t find the seaway video as interesting as I might cat videos.
“Yes, you give them a controller to help them navigate a ship from lock 8 to lock 1 and back again. Except, the controllers don’t really do anything. So, they get a perfect score each time. Slow it down to real time and it could keep a retired husband busy for hours. I mean, it takes 12 hours to go through the Welland Canal one way, right? Add a return trip and ‘Bob’s your uncle!’”
Laur never did get as excited by this project as I did. Tomorrow we are hiking Mount Hopkins. I’m going to suggest he film it and narrate it. For the cranks like me, he could fast-speed it – so the hike would only take 15 minutes and we’d be entertained by a chipmunk voice. And for hike-lovers who can’t hike anymore, he could make it into – yes – a video game. Six hours up and six hours down – and you “bag the peak” every time.
Though in the slower version you might get to see a hike leader push a cackling wife off a cliff. Ten extra points if you notice it. Twenty if you don’t report it!
*****
PS - Here is a link to the video Laur was so anxious to show me. https://youtu.be/U15Fwo9tbJ4